The Endsville Chronicles
by endsvilleoracle
Summary: Basically, the continued Grim Adventures set in the 1990s, with Billy and Mandy slightly aged up and therefore slightly more mature themes. Set mostly in Mandy's POV. I suck at summaries. But I think it works better than one might think. Sorry for any cases of OOC. Read, review, enjoy :) (Eventual BillyxMandy)
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: The following chapters are set in 1994. For some reason, I kind of thought of the series being set around this time since video tapes and other technology seemed outdated, despite Pokemon and Harry Potter shout outs. Besides, this is my version of the show to create, and therefore I can take this liberty with canon.**

* * *

Hypnotize Me

It was only the first day of my last year at Endsville School. Seventh grade. All I had to do was finish seventh grade, spend my five years in high school hell, and then I'd be done with it all. I could go to college. I didn't care where as long as it was far away from Mindy Vogue. But no. Apparently, all our adventures throughout the past two years of grade school were only the beginning. And who did we all owe the great honor of being trapped inside a hellish distortion of what we once knew? None other than my own best friend, Billy Nimrod. The name fits, as you can tell. In conclusion? Things were pretty fucked at Endsville. But I guess I should start from the beginning.

* * *

It all began when I woke up on the Nimrods' couch this morning. Evidently, my own parental units have grown to fear my wrath so much that they can't even be bothered to search for me. Fantastic. I went about a typical morning routine, seeing as it was about six. It was a way to avoid Billy and Mrs. Nimrod before I had eaten anything, and could therefore handle their respective brainlessness and lunacy. I showered and dried my hair. I was slightly annoyed by the products of puberty and its effects upon me. I had grown out my hair by choice, which was a tolerable change in my appearance. However, the slight buds growing on my chest were not. I had asked Grim to rid me of the annoying pinpricks, sort of like free plastic surgery, but he refused, saying that it would be "straight up gross." Considering that he had seen brains splattered all over sidewalks, the remains of a cannibal's meal, and what Donatella Versace will look like once her nearly plastic body decomposes (a misadventure I'd rather not delve into), I didn't see the issue, but I left it alone. I threw yesterday's clothes: denim shorts, a denim vest, and a black t-shirt. After all, seventh grade meant no more uniforms. When I was done getting dressed, I went back into the living room, hoping that I could get have a few moments' peace watching the morning news. But to my misfortune, Grim had risen at this early hour. Which could only mean one thing.

"Hi, Mands," Billy yelled, taking me from being a morning zombie going through the motions into my typical self: an entirely irritated twelve-year-old girl whose dreams of world domination seemed all too far away.

"Hello, Billy," I replied, my voice dripping with vexation.

"Do you know what today is," he asked excitedly.

"The first day of seventh grade," I replied.

"Yeah! We're seventh graders! We rule the school! Yeah! We're gonna graduate! Yeah! Woohoo!"

"You can only hope," I reminded him. "You have to actually pass seventh grade to graduate."

"Woohoo! Passing!"

"Can you shut up, Billy," Grim snapped. "I'm tryin' ta watch mah show here."

I turned my head to see _E! News_ on the screen. Apparently Cindy Crawford's marriage is on the rocks and the Prince of Monaco was spotted yachting with naked skanks. So, obviously, Grim was keeping up with the important news. I looked over at Billy, who was picking his new nose. Ever since an accident in sixth grade, Billy's nose had changed. It was still huge, but it had gotten flattened onto his face. It was sort of beakish now, like John Cusack's. But he still almost always had a finger up it. I scrunched my nose in disgust and turned away. A week from Friday was the first seventh grade dance, and all the girls were in a tizzy about being asked and wearing dresses and the boys having to wear button up shirts and jackets. But as far as I could tell, nothing was different about any of the guys. Nothing could my hormones to flare up. Irwin was still a wannabe Fresh Prince who needed to realize he was an Urkel, that boy Sperg was still a Mommy's boy who picked on others to feel better about himself, Pud'n was still a wimp, and most of all Billy was still the most monumental idiot on the face of the earth. But at this time, my only worry were breakfast and catching the bus on time. That was all before first period. Before Billy pissed off Mr. Catherine.

* * *

"Tee hee," Billy giggled in the middle of the new English teacher, Mr. Catherine's overview of the syllabus. "You've gots a lady name. Catherine."

The guy narrowed his eyes at Billy. I couldn't help but admit I was somewhat...impressed by Mr. Catherine's...authority. Okay, I'll admit it. I had the hots for him. But that was the beauty of the teacher crush. Unlike the Piff incident, I would never be forced to do a damn thing about it. And it was somewhat obvious why I would attracted to the man. He was somewhat rugged-looking. Greasy hair, long sideburns, a thick tan, and a lean build. He could have only been thirty at the oldest. And my God, his stare. But, um, I should get back to the point. How Billy ruined everything.

"Mr. Nimrod," he intoned. "Is there anything else you would like to say?" "Yeah," Billy said. "I hopes for we gets to read my favorite book again. I love_ The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar_." Mr. Catherine narrowed his eyes tighter.

"That's third grade reading material, Nimrod."

Billy blinked innocently. "Your point?"

Mr. Catherine sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. I noticed he was starting to go bald. Well, no one's perfect. Except for me, possibly. I stared at him and tossed my hair. Maybe growing my hair out was worth something. I saw Mr. Catherine glance at me, so I tossed my hair again. In add to my pleasure, a few strands flew into Mindy's face. I smirked, watching her look disgusted by the sight of some stray hairs in her otherwise pristine notebook. "Miss Baleful," Mr. Catherine said. I looked into his brown eyes. One time, this summer, after I finished _The Art of War_, I happened to persue a few of my mother's Harlequins. Those novels really romanticized eyes. I wonder how I could describe Mr. Catherine's. Rich chocolate brown or burnt sienna orbs that glistened like a beautiful sunset...Jesus, where did that come from?

"Miss Baleful," he said again, sounding more irritated. "Would you be willing to..."

My thoughts drifted away to a ballroom filled with my classmates. They all parted in awe as they saw me, Mandy Baleful. I was the most beautiful, most radiant young woman in the room. That dorkus Irwin passed out at the sight of my dress, a lacy red spaghetti strapped number. I walked past my meaningless peers into the arms of my one and only, my true love. Mr. Catherine. "Mandy, would you be willing to let me have this dance?"

We slow danced cheek to cheek to The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." Somewhere, in the back of my brain, I felt like retching or gagging at such a John Hughes moment. But some foreign part of myself embraced the entire fantasy. Only one flaw appeared in my daydream. Billy pushed himself between us.

"Man-dee. Man-dee. Man-dee..." I felt myself snap back into my English classroom, with the pest poking my arm frantically. "Mr. Catalina has a question for you."

I felt myself turn red as I turned my head back to the front of the room, where Mr. Catherine was glaring at me the same way I had glared at Billy. "Miss Baleful," he snapped. "If it is of no inconvenience, would you drop this note off at the main office? Or would such a task be above your competence level?"

I felt my entire face burn red as Mindy and her lackeys snickered. I was so embarrassed that Mr. Catherine thought I was stupid. Again, the back of my brain was hollering that I should be angry, furious even. But the foreign invasion suggested shame over fury. Something was wrong with me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was horribly wrong. I grabbed the paper from Mr. Catherine's hand and raced out of the room, feeling ashamed, but more so, frightened. What was going on? I walked to the main office, still caught in another daydream. I couldn't help but wonder if Mr. Catherine was married. Or if he had a girlfriend. I hoped he didn't. I hoped he noticed me today. I turned the corner and placed the note on the secretary's desk before rushing out. I couldn't wait to get back to class. Back to Mr. Catherine. But little did I know, my crush on the English teacher would fade. Not only would it be replaced, but it would turn into pure hatred.


	2. Chapter 2

The Trouble with Boys and Bimbos

It was only the second day of school, and I had already wanted seventh grade to be over with. I picked out a great outfit for Mr. Catherine. A lacy black blouse, blue jeans, and knee high black boots. I spent some time on my hair and reading our latest book for English, _The Taming of the Shrew_. But alas, Mr. Catherine did not notice me. Instead, I contracted some kind of friendship with two out of five Jennifers (Jennifer Kindler from Brooklyn and the one who goes by Jennifer Stacey Monger to stand out more). The two Jennifers have been following me all day, offering their thoughts on my life like a Greek chorus.

"Why aren't you and Billy going to the Fall Ball together," Brooklyn Jennifer asked today in homeroom.

I raised my eyebrows. "How do you know we aren't," I replied back.

I was planning on having Billy as an escort before I began working my way into Mr. Catherine's sights. "He asked Jessica Shoal to go with him today," Jennifer Stacey said. "Didn't you know?"

I did not know about Billy and Jessica Shoal, but I wasn't about to let the Jennifers know. "I knew," I said. "I didn't know if you two did."

"Do you like him," Brooklyn Jessica asked.

"Of course," I replied. "He is my friend, as idiotic as he may be."

"No," Jennifer Stacey put in. "She means do you like-like him, Mandy? As more than a friend?"

I felt my face flush as soon as she said that. "Of course not," I blurted. The idea of liking Billy was...odd. Strange. Peculiar. Not that...unthinkable. But...**no**. No. I was in no way attracted to him. Impossible.

"Why not," Brooklyn Jennifer asked. "He's cute." "Yeah," Jennifer Stacey added. "Everyone thinks so. Even Mindy does. Especially since his hair got darker." I supposed Billy had changed somewhat in appearance. I didn't really see it, though. I mean, his hair shade had settled between his mother's red and his father's dark black to sort-of light brown. And there was the nose thing. But his nose was still huge, so it wasn't that much of a difference. Not like the way Pud'n had changed. For one thing, he was now to be addressed as Pete. He grew a good five inches over the summer, his voice dropped, and he had a "mustache" (that really resembled an over plucked eyebrow). And he had "a girlfriend in Canada." I had predicted that the girls would be on Pete like flies on shit, but apparently, their interest was in...Billy. Odd.

"Tell us stuff about Billy," Jennifer Stacey urged. "What does he look like with his shirt off?"

I wrinkled my nose. "I haven't exactly paid that much attention," I said.

"Jessica saw him when the guys were playing shirts versus skins in gym class, and she says he's cut," Jennifer Stacey said. "Is Billy really cut, Mandy?"

I rolled my eyes. "No," I said. "He's not any different from the rest of the chumps in seventh grade."

"We actually have really hot guys in our class this year," Brookyln Jennifer said. "Like Pete Mann. He got so gorgeous over the summer. He asked me to Fall Ball. Did anyone ask you yet?"

I shook my head. "Not that I would say yes," I explained. "Seventh grade boys are beneath me."

"Really," Jennifer Stacey asked. "Because I think Irwin Dink wanted to invite you, but now he's doubling with Billy, Jessica, and Sarah Vain for Fall Ball."

"Well, it doesn't matter because I'm not interested in Irwin."

"What about Billy," Brooklyn Jennifer asked.

I felt my face flush more, with anger, I imagine. "What about Billy," I growled, hoping that the two chatty bimbos would finally screw off.

Instead, they both giggled incessantly."You like-like Billy," Brooklyn Jennifer squealed, catching the attention of the eyes of the entire homeroom class, which, of course, included Billy and Jessica. Jessica glared at me, and started scribbling something in her notebook. Billy simply smiled and waved like he was Prince Freaking William or some B.S. I hoped he didn't actually notice this whole "OHMIGOD Billy Nimrod is sooooo hot right now" phase everyone was going through. If he did, it would definitely either go to his head or terrify the little numbskull.

I narrowed my eyes at Brooklyn Jennifer and said, "I do not have that kind of interest in Billy." And then I went back to my work, hoping for a reprieve from my new companions. But this was only the beginning of what I can only deem pure mania. Let's look at all prior evidence: the day prior into this morning, I had experienced overwhelming feelings of lust for an authority figure. This morning, two mediocre Jennifers had deemed me a new subject of interest, possibly because of a third anomaly. The entire female population of the seventh grade was horny for...Billy. And he had a date to the Fall Ball with one of the Mindyites, Jessica Shoal. Jessica wasn't very bright, but she was very discriminating. She had an actual organized notebook of stores she would and would not shop at, restaurants she would and would not eat at, and other places she would and would not appear at. She broke up with her last boyfriend when she found out he bought her a pack of Carefree gum from 7-Eleven instead of the more decidedly classy Kroger. That someone like that would stoop as low as to date Billy, who's practically different species than Jessica, was an oddity of epic proportions. But that was not the straw that broke the camel's back. What followed the first Jennifer interrogation was it. We went to English class, and I was briefly relieved of my pesky hormones. I looked up and saw Mr. Catherine and thought nothing of any Harlequin novels. I was cured! I sat down in my seat and sighed in relief just before the next anomaly appeared. A folded up pink stationary note landed on my desk. I looked up and saw Jessica Shoal glaring at me, but still nodding at the note. I unfolded it and read on.

_To: Mandy_

_From: Jessica_

_I heard you like Billy. True or false? If it'''s true, dream on. Billy is my boyfreind now. You shouldn't even ever look at him again. If you do, I'll make sure you'll pay. If you don't like him, I don't care. I don't want hanging around other girls, especially skanks like you, Jennifer K, and Jennifer M. He's not your freind anymore, got it? Good._

_Not your freind,_

_The future Jessica Nimrod_

Sweet Jesus, Jessica was nuts. I responded in the only way I could: by releasing my wrath upon the little twit full force with the power of my very own poison pen.

**Jessica,**

**It's none of your goddamn business how I feel about Billy. But I'll tell you this: Billy does what I tell him to. Not you. And if anyone's a skank here, it's you. You probably have fleas, you little shitfaced bitch. You can take your demand, and shove it so far up your ass, it goes into your large intestine. If you ever dare to intimidate me again, I will do everything I can to destroy your life. I'll make sure you end up homeless. I'll make you end up as ugly as your insides. And I'll guarantee that you'll end up dead after I fuck you up, just so you cannot ever possibly breed and pass down your genetic insolence to future generations. And I'll tell you this: I don't care if you're my friend. Why? Because you're nothing to me, Jessica. **

**Eat shit and die,**

**Mandy**

I fold the paper and tapped Nergal Jr., who was sitting next to me. He turned to face me and hissed, obviously still pissed about the Valentine's Day dance in fifth grade. I rolled my eyes. "Pass this to Jessica," I whispered.

Junior narrowed his eyes and snatched the note from my hands. He then tossed it behind himself on Jessica's desk. We both turned around as she read the note. At first, she just looked even more pissed, but then I saw her grow slightly pale. She shook it off and started writing another note, jotting on her precious pink stationary as furiously as possible.

Junior turned back to me. "What'd you write," he asked.

"Among other things,'' I said. "I told her to eat shit and die. And that I would kill her so she could never breed."

Junior's eyes widened before he started coughing heavily, catching Mr. Catherine's attention. He stormed towards us and snatched up all the notes. He rolled his eyes at Jessica's, but as he read mine, I saw all the color fade from his face.

"Is-is this some kind of joke," he asked me.

I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest. "She messed with me." Mr. Catherine backed away slowly to the front of the classroom. "I'll, uh, be dealing with this situation soon," he said nervously, before getting back to his precious lesson. I turned in my seat and made eye contact with Jessica. I could tell she was trying to put on a tough face, but she was terrified. Good. She had it coming.


	3. Chapter 3

Dumb and Dumber

"Man," Pud'n said in a weird voice. "I love the ripe melons in the morning."

It kept cracking on, like, every other word. Man, I hopes my voice never does that. We were all in the locker room before gym class when he started.

"What melons," I asked. "There weren't any in the cafeteria." It was the third day of seventh grade, but I already thought it'd be the bestest year of my life. Jessica, the most beautifulest girl in the seventh grade was my girlfriend. She had really shiny stuff. Her hair was shiny. So were her Lisa Frank stickers. But she got real mad yesterday when I tried to borrow some for my bicycle and yelled a lot, which kinda was not cool. It also was sorta weird that she didn't like Mandy. And she says I shouldn't talk to Mandy cause she's a skank. And she won't tell me what a skank is. But I knows how to find out! I'll ask Mandy! Oh, wait...

"Bro, are you even listening," I heard Pud'n say. I looked up. "I asked you a question."

"What was it, Pud'n?"

"It's Pete," he snapped. "P-E-T-E. Pete."

"Okay, Petey," I said. "What was it?"

"He asked if you saw Mandy's rack," Irwin said.

"You means her spice rack," I asked. "Oh, many times."

Petey face palmed. "I mean her tits, Billy. Have you seen her tits?"

"You mean her boobs?"

"Yeah, her boobs," Irwin said. "We heard she's slept at your house before? Did you see 'em?"

"She goes in the bathroom," I explained. "And she don't let me come."

"Haven't you ever just peeped," Petey asked.

I shook my head. "I think she'd kill me."

"Figures," Irwin muttered. "Have you seen anything else? Or done anything I could do vicariously through you?"

"Vicuri-what-ly?"

"Vicariously," Petey said. "Like have you made out with her?"

I shook my head. "Man," Irwin said. "I'm glad I'm going to the dance with Sarah. 'Cause as hot as Mandy is, she sounds frigid."

I shrugged again. It was hard to answer questions while I was trying to tie my shoes. What was it again? Over, under, around, and...over? No, that's not it. Darn. I let go of the strings. We still had co-ed gym this year, and so far Jessica would tie my shoes for me every day. So I guessed she'd do it again today. I got up from the bench I was sitting on and went into the gym. Jessica was waiting for me. She looked down at my shoes and got on her knees again. Mandy walked by us and rolled her eyes. I guess her sockets got all jumbly.

"Hi, Mandy," I yelled as Jessica tied up my left shoe. Suddenly, Jessica karate chopped my shin. "Owwww," I moaned.

"What'd I tell you about talking to Mandy," she snapped. I shrugged.

"Don't talk to her," Jessica said. "Because you're my boyfriend, and if Mindy thinks I associate with someone who associates with Mandy, my reputation will be ruined."

"Okay," I agreed. I say 'okay' whenever Jessica says something so she doesn't get all mad.

"I'm finished," Jessica said. She stood up and brushed off her knees. "So, who don't we talk to?"

"Sperg?"

"No," Jessica snapped. "Mandy. We don't talk to Mandy."

I nodded. Gee, it'd be hard not to talk to Mandy. She's my bestest friend. "If Mandy was nice, could we talk to her," I asked.

"If she was nice, wore better clothes, had a boyfriend, or at least had a good Lisa Frank collection, we might think about talking to her," Jessica said. "If she had a boyfriend, we might even let her ride in the limo with us to Fall Ball."

"So, all Mandy would have to does is get a boyfriend?"

Jessica nodded. That gave me an idea. I should take Mandy shopping for Lisa Frank stickers!

"I could tolerate Mandy's presence," Jessica said as we started running laps around the gym. "Your questions have given me an idea."

I was glad Jessica and I were on the same sheet. That mean we'd be together forever and ever and ever and- "We need to get Mandy a boyfriend."

"What?!" We couldn't gets Mandy a boyfriend. That would be wrong. No guy in our class could be Mandy's boyfriend, never ever! Not even Pud'n, alias Pedro. And he's gotten pretty damn hunky, if I should say so myself.

"I'll make the arrangements for Operation: Love," I heard Jessica say, not even paying attention to me.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I managed to say, but she cut me off.

"Don't you want your little friend back," Jessica asked.

I nodded. "Well, then Operation: Love is a go."

"Uh...uh...uh...uh," I spluttered. And then it happened. Right in the middle of the gym, Jessica Shoal planted one right on my lips. My first real kiss. I felt my knees get all weak and gooey and I felt like I would pass out.

"So you'll help," Jessica asked. I nodded weakly. "Good."

By the end of the day, there was a team of people planning to get Mandy a boyfriend: Jessica, Sarah Vain, Mindy Vogue, two of the Jennifers, me, and Grim. I recruited Grim so I wouldn't be the only guy in the group. We met up in the park's picnic area. Jennifer K. spoke up first. "So, like, are you a dead person," she asked Grim.

"I'm the Grim Reaper," he asked. "Now does anybody else have any more dumbass questions? Billy excluded, because dat's just pointless." He lowered his gaze at me. "Why am I here again, Billy? I am supposed to be catching up with my _90210_ tapes today."

Mindy rolled her eyes. "_90210_ is so out, Grim. I mean, _Melrose Place_ is what everyone's really watching. But being, like, a million years old probably makes you behind on the trends. No offense."

Flames shot up in Grim's eyes as he glared at Mindy. It was awesome, but she wasn't paying any attention. "Anyway," Mindy went on. "We're here to get that gross, disgusting thing you call a friend a boyfriend of her own. After all, she's probably so evil because she's frigid."

"You mean Mandy? A boyfriend," said Grim in surprise. "Is Irwin still on da market?"

Sarah shook her head. "He's mine," she said.

Grim immediately burst in laughter. "You have got ta be kiddin'," he gasped. "Mandy? A boyfriend? Only in a world where pigs fly. Or if she got possessed by someone wit' a half pleasant disposition." Grim laughed for a while longer. It was so hard he was crying. He finally gasped and wiped under his sockets. "But really, why am I here?"

"We needs to get Mandy a boyfriend," I explained. "Otherwise, I can't talk to her."

"Why not?"

Jessica tossed all her shiny, shiny hair and glared at Grim. "Because I said so," Jessica snapped. "And I'm Billy's girlfriend."

And for some reason, Grim started laughing again until he looked at the rest of us. "Okay, so let me get dis: Irwin and you, Billy Nimrod the town jester, have girlfriends, and Mandy is in need of a relationship?"

We all nodded. Grim scratched his chin. "Someting is very wrong here," he murmured to himself.

"So, like, are you in or not," Mindy snapped. Grim groaned, but he nodded. Good. I think. I mean, Jessica's right, I guess. I don't know. I don't really like the idea of Mandy having a boyfriend. What if that means she doesn't need me anymore to do stuff cause some guy's drooling all over her? Plus, I don't know who'll they'll put her with now that Irwin's taken. It's kind of scary. But Jessica won't be my girlfriend if Mandy's not popular and I'm her friend. This is making my head hurt.

Mandy's POV

The parental units were absent after school today. I considered calling over Billy, but I gave up, assuming that he'd be busy with Jessica. So instead, I plotted how I would destroy the harlot who should not be named. I was considering replacing the Ace of Base cassettes she carries around in her backpack with Beck or Weezer, something less acceptable to Mindy and Co., as a starting point before I really went into it with her. After all, the only thing important to Jessica is being popular and getting to stand behind Mindy at all of the precious social events. Hell, I could in theory sabotage Billy, and bring her down with him...nah, not worth it. It was Jessica I was mad at, not Billy. I chose to put sabotage of her makeup on the table shortly before the doorbell rang. I went to the door, expecting to see a recently dumped Billy at my doorstep. Instead, I found the two Jennifers, accompanied by Sarah Vain, much to my surprise.

BJ (Brooklyn Jennifer) spoke up first. "You don't have a date to Fall Ball yet, right, Mandy," she said.

"No," I said flatly.

Where could this be going? And what was Sarah Vain doing here? I knew the Mindyites considered themselves above the Jennifers, who they considered to be sluts. So why would Sarah be willing to be seen in public with them?

"So," Sarah said. "No date. No problem. We'll get you one."

"What makes you assume I want one," I replied.

Jacey (Jennifer Stacey) twirled her bleached blonde curls around her index finger. "Everybody needs love, Mandy," she trilled from her thin lips. "Even you."

"_Love_? Who's talking about love," I spat. "We're in seventh grade. We can't even have _sex_ yet! Some of us don't even know how it works yet. And you guys are talking about love! We can't even have _lust_ yet!"

Sarah looked shocked and appalled and BJ looked sort of amused, but Jacey just rolled her eyes. "God, Mandy," she said. "You can have love without sex."

"Not if you can't even picture it," I pointed out. "You don't have to have sex, but you have to be able to think about it. Otherwise, you don't know what you might be getting into."

"Ohmigod," BJ squealed. "I think about sex, like, all the time. I think that means I'm in love!"

"No, that make you a skank," Sarah snapped. "Now, let's stay on track. Mandy, we are inviting you to the mall to set you up with a date to Fall Ball, and then to buy our dresses."

I snorted. "Screw that," I snapped. "Why the hell would I want to go to the mall with you lemmings?"

"You would want to go," Sarah said, "if you want to keep your friend Billy. Because if we don't get you a boyfriend, Mindy will never want you in our crowd. If you're not in with us, you won't be in with your precious friend Billy. So if you want Billy to speak to you ever again, you'll come to the mall. Now."

I almost slammed the door in that little brat's face, but something occurred to me. Mindy definitely didn't want me in her little clique. And Jessica didn't want me around Billy. So I could kill two birds with one stone by tolerating some seventh grade imbecile and going with this little plan for the week leading up to the dance. Hell, I could even plot further revenge. After all, one must keep their friends close and their enemies closer. Slowly, I felt a small, closed-lip smile cross my face. "Sure," I agreed. "Let's go to the mall."


	4. Chapter 4

True Lies

Here I was. The epicenter of teenage wasteland. The Endsville Mall. And to top that off, I was in the restroom as, apparently, Sarah and the Jennifers felt the need to change outfits, and change me as well. BJ brought clothes from her "closet," but considering that everything still had tags on it, I can only assume she went on a shoplifting binge at 579. I looked them all over, to see why they couldn't have just worn school clothes. And then I realized: for all of BJ's "five finger budgeting," the others had also stolen from older sisters and mothers. I doubted that those leather pants belonged to Sarah, nor was the brown paisley spaghetti-strapped dress Jacey had on really from her closet. She had worn a white lacy tank top underneath, making it look like a jumper. Sarah was wearing a black tie dye patterned t-shirt. I didn't get why they couldn't have left their houses in these outfits. I supposed leather pants were a little much for a seventh grader, but otherwise they didn't look like high schoolers, which was what they were aiming for. And then BJ exited a bathroom stall in the most ridiculous outfit I had ever seen: an all-purple gingham set. A bucket hat, a blazer, a bra top and a miniskirt. She looked like the hooker version of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

"Okay, Mandy," BJ said. "Are you ready to get _fabulous_?"

I raised my eyebrows. "If that's how you define fabulous, no."

Sarah shot me a look. "Well, we can't be seen with you dressed like that," she snapped.

I looked down at my own outfit: a blue plaid jumper and a white hooded sweatshirt. It seemed inoffensive enough. "What's the damage," I asked, peeved.

"You look like an extra from _Full House_," Sarah said. "And we're trying for _Melrose Place_. You totally clash."

I rolled my eyes. "Mandy," Sarah said in a warning tone. I swallowed my pride, remembering my plan to destroy them from inside their coven of preteen cliquishness. I sighed. "What's the outfit?"

* * *

I had been transformed into a child prostitute. I was admittedly less scantily clad than BJ, but I was still more or less exposed in a red plaid miniskirt and a white camisole. Yes, a mere camisole. Thank God I barely have breasts. Our first stop after the lavatory of ill repute was the Bath and Body Works. I spent fifteen minutes in cucumber melon scented hell, listening to inane chatter about body glitter and sprays before finally seeing an opening in my own scheme. Mindy had spotted us all in the store, and I could tell she was dismayed to see that I had infiltrated her little group. I turned to face the redheaded she-demon, expecting a temper tantrum. Instead, she smiled very thinly, and greeted me with a hug. Between that and staying inside a Bath and Body Works for an extended period of time, I was definitely going to need a shower when I got home.

"I'm glad you came," she said. "I picked your date myself."

I gritted my teeth, remembering one of the conditions of my infiltration: I would be expected to hold hands and make nice with some juvenile classmate of the male persuasion. A repulsive prospect to say the least.

"We're going to meet the guys in the food court, by the Dippin' Dots stand," Mindy intoned, as if she were declaring a plan of war, not a simple meeting place. She eyed me up and down. "You look...suitable for the occasion," she managed. "But we'll need to see a lot of improvement in the next week if you're going to be presentable enough for my limo."

I wanted to yell that I would rather choke on vomit than ride in Mindy's limo, but I swallowed my words. It would be fun to ride in the limo and see how far it would tip her over the edge. I wordlessly followed the babbling idiots I had apparently befriended to the Dippin' Dots stand. The guys were slouched on the nearest bench. Billy was staring aimlessly at his own reflection in the floor, as usual. Irwin repeatedly tapped on his shoulder, but was failing to catch his attention. Pete didn't even appear to notice us, as he was enraptured by his Game Boy. For some odd reason that I hoped had nothing to do with this set-up, Nergal Jr. was also there, flipping through a _Nickelodeon_ magazine and trying his damnedest to summon up all twelve years of preteen angst he possessed, but instead appeared confused, as if he were Billy trying to read. Jessica was also there, and engaged in an in depth conversation with the fourteen year old male cashier. I guess she realized that Billy would barely notice the difference between casual flirting and flat-out giving someone your number. It was nice to see that she was already planning her next conquest for after whatever minor screw-up would lead to her current relationship's demise. Mindy cleared her throat loudly to declare our arrival.

Nergal Jr. looked up first. BJ waved at him, almost shyly. His eyes almost popped out of his sockets when he saw that BJ was practically naked. "You like my outfit, Nergie," she said, in a voice that was meant to sound like Marilyn Monroe's, but was a closer match for Pete's changing voice. He nodded up and down like a bobblehead. So Nergal Jr. had paired off with BJ. Better her than me.

Sarah sat down in Irwin's lap to get his attention, which worked, albeit by knocking the wind out of him and causing him to have a coughing fit. "Oh, quit being so melodramatic," Sarah shrieked. "You're making it look like I'm fat or something! It's humiliating, Irwin!"

That finally got Billy and Pete to look up. Pete got up and, much to my disbelief, he and Jacey went running towards each other their arms outstretched. Unfortunately, since we aren't in a movie, they ran full speed into each other and fell over. Jacey, being a paragon of intelligence, giggled and said, "Let's try again."

Finally, I turned my attention towards Billy, who was happily being fed Dippin' Dots by Jessica. Disgusting. Jessica looked up from spoon feeding Billy, and nodded to the left. "Here comes your man, Mandy," she said with a grin.

I looked up and saw Sperg plodding towards us. I wrinkled my nose as he stopped in front of me. "So, Mandy, hear you got the hots for me," he said, grinning like an idiot.

I rolled my eyes skyward, trying to think of the best response to give the cretin. But suddenly, I felt my heart leap. _You know_, I thought. _Sperg isn't that bad looking_. He was still as blonde and chubby as ever, but was wearing a more flattering t-shirt as opposed to a cropped tank top. _He had sparkly blue eyes. Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle_.

Wait a minute. Something was definitely going on here. This couldn't just be hormones. Something else was going on. I felt an unnatural tickle rise up from my throat as I giggled and winked like one of the other simpletons. I willed myself to look away from Sperg and my gaze fell upon the only possible source of my sudden inanity. Eris and Mr. Catherine were standing together, canoodling. This was some kind of scheme. A plot set out by my English teacher. I had no idea why he had caused this to happen to me. All I knew was that, now, I had much bigger fish to fry than Mindy & Co.


	5. Chapter 5

The Sign

Billy - POV

Dance night! Woohoo! It was gonna be awesome. All my friends and Sperg are coming to my house, and we're gonna take pictures and then Mindy has this big, long car called a linoleum coming, and we're gonna get in and go to the dance. And then, at the dance, Jessica and I are gonna slow dance to "Circle of Life" and pretend to be lions, and it's gonna be the BEST NIGHT EVER. The first people to show up are Mandy and Sperg, and man, does Mandy look nice. She's wearing this white ruffly dress. "Wow, Mands," I commented. "Nice threads." Mandy nodded in acknowledgement. "You look...human," she replied. Sperg had an arm wrapped around her shoulder. "Yeah," he said. "Doesn't she look like an actual girl?" Mandy's mouth dropped open as I nodded. "Yeah, yeah," I agreed. "If you guys haven't noticed," she snapped angrily. "I am an actual girl." She shoved Sperg away from her and stormed into the living room, where Grim was watching TV. "Women," Sperg said, with a shake of his head. "Can't live with 'em, can ya?" I shrugged. "Jessica's nice," I said. "She lets me buy her stuff." Jessica swung by next. As soon as she got through the door, she started glaring at me. "God, Billy," she snapped. "Why is your cummerbund red? My dress is blue. Blue. How come that didn't sink into your thick skull? I told that five times, Billy! Five!" She slammed the door behind herself and crossed her arms over her chest. "Where's my corsage," Jessica snapped. I swallowed nervously and dashed into the kitchen for it. When I got there, Mandy was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping some Ecto Cooler and flipping through a back issue of Sassy. "What's the rush," she asked, barely looking up as I raced into the room and threw the fridge door open. "Jessica's collage," I replied. "Corsage," Mandy corrected. "Uh huh. Mirage," I said, nailing the term. Mandy sighed and moved from the kitchen table towards me. I held out the plastic transparent box I stored the flower thing in and showed it to Mandy. "Do you think Jess'll like it," I asked. Mandy smirked slightly. "It's actually pretty nice," she said. "Good job, Nimrod." She opened the box. "You know how to put it on, right," Mandy asked. "Huh?" She facepalmed. "Billy," Mandy snapped. "You mean you didn't even practice?" "What's to practice," I asked. "Look," Mandy said. "Is it a wrist or a pin on corsage?" I shrugged, and she rolled her eyes. Mandy took it out of the box and examined it. "Good," she said. "It's a wrist corsage. That'll be easy enough for even you to master." She placed her wrist right in front of my face and shoved the flower bracelet on. "See? That's how you'll put it on Jessica." She took it off and put it back in the box. "Thanks for teaching me, Mandy," I said. "No problem, Billy," she replied. "I'm used to making sure you don't screw up." Suddenly, she got real quiet and started staring at her shoes. I stared down, too. They were those really shiny buckle shoes. The ones with the same name as the girl from Spider Man. Gwen Staceys, I think. I got distracted by the shininess for a while, until Jessica yelled, "Where's my damn corsage?" "We should go back," Mandy said, quietly. "Come on." She started walking ahead of me. It was weird. She didn't tug on my ear or my shirt or my hand or anything. I just followed her back into the front hallway, where Sarah and Irwin had arrived. "I gots the flower bracelet, Jessica," I said. I held it out for her to see and she wrinkled her nose. "You got a daisy corsage," she snapped. "I asked for lilacs. God, Billy, it's like you're retarded or something." Almost immediately, Mandy had appeared at Jessica's side. "Can I talk you for a minute," she asked sharply. Jessica was trembling as she followed Mandy back into the kitchen. We all heard a loud slap and then Mandy walked back into the room with Jessica following, rubbing her left cheek. Mandy gave her a pointed look, and she sighed. "Sorry, Billy. The corsage is...lovely." Jessica twitched slightly and stared nervously at Mandy. Just then, the limo pulled up to my place. Mandy sighed and grabbed Sperg's hand. "Let's get this night over with," she muttered, opening the front door. We all piled into Mindy's lemon. It was a bit of a squeeze, since some random eighth grade boy and Mindy were sitting with the two Jennifers, Peter, and my cousin Nergal Jr. Two other couples, with kids I didn't recognize from our class were there, too. So when we all moved in, somehow Mandy ended up in Sperg's lap. I wanted to throw up. It was hard to believe that Mandy and Sperg were a thing, but it was true. I even saw them...kissing. My best friend and the guy who had made my life a living hell since first grade. Mandy didn't seem particularly happy about it, but she was smiling a little more often. Not the fake smiles that rip a hole in the fabric of time, but the kind of smiles Mandy only made when she'd caused pure chaos. In a way, I guess she had, because her and Sperg was making me nuts. Mandy was my friend, and Sperg didn't have any kind of rights to touch her. I felt my blood getting all angry and... "Billy," Jessica snapped. "Quit growling. You sound like a dog. Not to mention you're foaming at the mouth, which is like so gross. I mean, I can't even." I wiped under my mouth and turned back to Jessica. Her mouth and shoulders looked really shiny. I stopped thinking about Sperg and Mandy, and stared at Jessica's sparkly, sparkly shoulders until we pulled up to the school. We all piled out of the car into the building. "The Sign" by Ace of Base was playing at top volume and immediately all of the girls besides Mandy started squealing. "This is my favorite song," Jessica shrieked. Everyone started dancing pretty happily, and I was instantly in a better mood. But then, "Bump N Grind" started and everything went nuts. One minute I'm bopping to the music, the next Jessica's rubbing her butt on my wiener. I looked across the room at some other people. Junior was sucking on Jennifer K's neck. Irwin and Sarah were pressed up against the gym wall, rubbing on each other. Mandy was letting Sperg rub his wiener on her butt and looking pretty bored with it. Principal Goodvibes' face was getting real red and he was clutching at his chest. Mr. Catlains was just sitting back and enjoying the show with some blonde lady I recognized. I think her name was...Erin. Or Harris. Jessica broke into my thoughts, saying, "Grind harder, Billy!" I stared back at what Mandy and Sperg were doing, only to see Sperg standing by himself as Mandy strode across the room towards Harris and Mr. Chevrolet. I stopped what I doing (or not doing) and followed her. Jessica was yelling at me as I walked away. "Billy," she shouted. "What are you doing? Why are you following that thing?" Soon enough, Mandy and I were side by side, staring at Travis and Mr. Catman. She turned to me and glared. "Billy, what are you doing," Mandy snapped. "I'm here to help you yell at Eris and stuff." Mandy rolled her eyes. "Go away. I'm fine." "I want to help," I said back. She sighed and tossed her hair. "Fine, Billy," she snapped. "Help by not saying anything." I stood squeezing my lips shut as Mandy glared at the two. "Did you think I was really going to be blinded by something as useless as LOVE," Mandy asked harshly. Mr. Catherine nervously tugged at his tie and turned to Eris. "I thought you said you could make her fall in love," he said. "I said I make her think like she was," Eris said. "I never said anything about a full personality makeover." "Why did you try this," Mandy questioned next. "It's just, it's my first year teaching," Mr. Catherine said. "And, uh, your reputation precedes you, Ms. Baleful, and I just wanted to be a real authority figure. So, I, uh, met this Eris lady here by chance and I made an arrangement with her. And, uh, here we are." Eris looked at her wrist, and I guess she had an imaginary watch on, because then she said, "Look at the time. I have things to do, money to spend. Ta!" She disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving Mr. Catherine to face Mandy on his own. Mandy sighed, tossed her hair, and gave Mr. Catherine a stony glare. "Good luck," she said coldly. Then she turned on her heel and walked away. Jessica came over with a tight glare on her face. "Billy, what are you doing," she hollered. "We were in the middle of something, you know!" My eyes darted from Mandy to Jessica back and forth a few times before Mandy slapped me. "Say something, you idiot," she said. "Fine." I swallowed and turned to Jessica. "Sorry?" She tossed her hair and stomped away. "By the way, we are so OVER! Auggghhh!" Almost immediately, Irwin, Nergal Jr. and Sperg rushed over. "If you're done with Jessica, can I have her next," they all said in unison. "Nergy," Jennifer K. gasped. "How could you?" Sarah also rushed over to Irwin and soon enough, all four of them were yelling at each other. Sperg shrugged. "You don't mind, do you, Mandy," he asked. Mandy shrugged. "Please. Go ahead. I'll be fine." Sperg went off towards Jessica happily, and Mandy started walking out of the dance. "Wait," I yelled. She turned around and shrugged again. "What," she asked. I forgot what I was gonna say, so I just stared at her for a while. She sighed and walked out of the gym. All in all, the dance was over ahead of schedule. Punch was flying across the room, Junior was on his knees begging, and Jessica and Sperg were already making out. I couldn't believe she wasn't my girlfriend any more. It all happened so fast. I don't think I like seventh grade anymore.


End file.
